Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in grmaine's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Monday, May 14th, 2007
1:20 am	The Funeral or "no, that's my cousin" So I spent the night before in Richmond at my Godparents...watched "Happy Feet" for the first time. Loved the mexican penguins. Baltimore fam spent the night in Richmond at my grandparents. I hooked up with them Thursday morning and rode with them to South Boston. It was my aunt, grandmother, cousin, uncle, and cousin's son. Talked to the one cousin for most of the trip. He is also on dialysis (he has the same kidneys problems that I have) and we compared kidney horror stories and our disatisfaction with the renal diet. I think it was...benefical for the both of us. It was good to talk to the cousin, I saw him back in January when he was in the hospital. He looked well. We arrive in Sobo and grab breakfast at the Hardee's in Riverdale. Then onward to the house. My grandfather (G.G's one and only son) was already there as was my Atlanta aunt, cousin Crystal, and her newborn who I affectionately call Cousin Jr. It was the first time I met Cousin Jr., she was the most adorable little girl ever. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "hello Cousin Jr." She smiled and it was awesome. Then the rest of the fam and people from the church came by the house and then...the black limo. So the funeral was at the church and the church was right down the way. You could stand on the porch and see the church from the house. And yet the funeral home provided the fam a limo to get to the church. So be it. So we rode in the limo to the church and we all lined up at the door of the church. We all walked in and there she was...in the casket at the front of the church. We each took turns looking at her. Crystal was beside me and I approached. She...she did not look like herself. That spark, that vibrancy of life, that essence that was G.G. was gone. All I saw was her body. And it did not look like her. I stared at her, and then took my seat. I don't know who that lady was in that casket, but it wasn't her, it wasn't my G.G. The choir sang some songs and then people stood up and said a few words about G.G. There were 4 people on the program alloted to speak, then people started popping up like popcorn to say a few words. "I know I'm not on the program, but..." and then they would say what they wanted to say. I wonder if I could do that in real life...at Mary Wash graduation," I know I'm not on the program, but..." at the next meeting of congress, "I know I'm not on the program but..." Then the eulogy. The good rev. brought the thunder, and it was great. The best eulogy I've ever heard. Choir sang some more songs...and then it happened. The best part of the funeral. So we didn't have a wake, so after the eulogy, people were given a chance to come talk to the fam and give their condolences. Hands down, the funniest part of the funeral. So during the service, I was sitting next to Crystal and Cousin Jr. So all these people came by to say a few words and they said to me, "so is this your wife?" And my response, "no, that's my cousin." Most of these people went to the church and I've known them for my whole life, and Sobo is a very small town and if I had gotten married, they would have either been invited or definitely known about it. "no, that's my cousin." And then the next person," oh Jermaine, I'm so sorry. And is this your wife? No, that's my cousin." And I leaned over to Crystal and said she should wear a name tag and she said, "yeah, a name tag that says Cousin." So by default, all these people probably thought Cousin Jr. was my child. Nice. Some of the people who came to give their condolences, I have never met in my life and will probably never meet again. "Jermaine, I'm so sorry." "Jermaine, if you ever need anything..." And I know maybe if I was at the funeral of someone else, maybe I would do the same. Is it what we are supposed to do? And I know they were just being nice, or probably did not know what to say. But I just was not in the mood. And then their was the dude dressed in a suit that I referred to as T.D. Jakes. After the funeral, the church provided lunch. G.G. was placed six feet deep and that was that. She was buried next to her second husband, Mr. Harvey. (I just thought about it, I do not know where her first husband is buried. I know where her mother and siblings are buried, but not her first husband. Hmmm...) Lunch was good, cutting up and laughing with the cousins and aunts. And it felt good to be with the fam. It felt good to laugh and just be with the fam. And I wish, I have always wished, we would get together more often. We ALWAYS have a good time together, ALWAYS. We should get together more instead of at funerals...thanksgiving anyone? Perhaps Christmas? In 30 years, we have never as a family gotten together for a holiday. I used to get upset at that and resent that, instead of doing something about it. Anyways... It was weird being at the house without her there. And people had already begun taking things from the house. And she was always scared of dying in a nursing home and people coming and taking her things. And that is what is happening. And the rage in me grows. And...and...the day after the funeral, I end up in the emergency room for 4 hours, then admitted to the hospital for 5 days. And then right back to work. And I'm at work now. And I have not had nor taken the time to really grieve or mourn. And I don't know...I just don't know... Current Mood: numb (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
8:51 am	For Her... When I was 5 years old, my mom pulled up in front of the house. I got out of the car and ran as fast as I could and jumped into her arms...and she has never let me go. I really didn't know what to think as my mother drove off and left me with her. New house, new people to take care of me, new school, new everything. But she made it a house of love. At this time of my life, I had very bad Asthma. My lungs were betraying me. I did not have an inhaler or anything because the medications the doctor prescribed to me, seemed to only make me sicker. So she went the holistic route, teas and vitamins and herbs and salves...Nights were the worst. There were nights I would stop breathing while I slept. She did not have any formal medical training, so she would beat me in the chest until I started breathing again. Modified CPR, but it saved my life many a night. She would stay up with me all night to make sure I would make it through. I have very vivid memories of us watching the "Godzilla" movies that would come on after midnight, and she seemed to enjoy them as much as I did. The times I would get sick at school, she would always come get me and nurse me back to health. And I would come home from school and there would be a new "Masters of the Universe" or "Transformers" toy on my bed. She always taught me, from age 5, to say "ma'am" and "sir" and to respect people, esp. adults. She believed that you should respect and be nice to everyone, and that good will come back to you. I've tried to follow that advice, and she was right. She was a fantastic cook, old school. Her cakes are the greatest cakes I have ever tasted in my life. She made everything from scratch, and my God, her banana pudding...I remember as a kid I didn't want to eat my vegetables. I would scoop them in a napkin when she wasn't looking, tuck it under my plate, and then throw the vegetable filled napkin behind the freezer. Which worked well, until the mice came. I had such a good thing going too... She was a firm disciplinarian...I don't think she knew what time out meant. I've never had a time out in my life. She believed in spankings, corporal punishment if you will. Like I said, old school. Her instrument of choice was a switch. If you've never been spanked with a switch, you are so missing out. To hear the air being cut by a thin piece of tree, to feel your flesh sting as tree meets bare behind...it most definitely creates a memory, and causes you to think twice before you commit the offending again. And now that I am older, I thank her so much for the discipline and the spankings and for her not letting me get away with crap. And she was funny. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, you would know she was humorous, but she was a stone cold comedian. The 2 years I recently spent with her, there were many times she had me cracking up. There was the time I tried to explain to her what the Internet was. Here is a classic G.G. moment: We had gotten KFC for dinner and we were eating chicken and watching t.v. I had a breast in my hand and the conversation went as follows: G.G. (quietly observing me before commenting): Jermaine, you hungry? Me: yes ma'am G.G.: I can tell, if I had known you liked titty that much, I would have gotten you a bottle to suck on too. Me: speechless.... She was always distrustful of doctors and hospital and traditional medicine. "That stuff just makes people sicker" she would say. She had books and books of home remedies and concoctions and what nots. Say what you want to, but that stuff worked. And the lack of traditional medicine was not what did it in the end, and those home remedies kept her around for a long time. I never got the feeling she was overly satisfied with how my life turned out. Maybe because she would tell me how she wasn't satisfied with how my life turned out. I left her when I was 14 to go live with my mother, and I don't think she ever got over that. "They took you away" she would always say. "They took you from me and threw you away" she would always say. No one could love me like she could...nah, not like G.G. Her master plan was for me to finish high school with her, commute to college in Danville, become a doctor OR go into business and "make something out of myself". She told me she wanted me to be somebody, to even make it to the White House in some capacity. And she let me know ALL THE TIME how disappointed she was that I have not finished college yet. How she believed if I finished college, I could "be somebody"....and not matter how inadequate I feel around my friends who have finished, no matter the subtle things people would say about me not having finished, what she felt and said mattered the most...and She had a faith that I have never seen in anyone. She could be in mind-numbing pain, and she would say "thank you Jesus". Because even though she was in pain, she was still alive and she was thankful of that. She was thankful for the littlest of things. And she loved God with a love that I hope to one day understand. She told me stories of how she would walk miles and miles and miles when she was younger to get to church and back home. She wasn't necessarily a fan of the old testament, she just wanted to hear about Jesus. And then there was the 4th sunday in November 2004 when I saw her dancing in church. Full on, arms waving, foot stepping, dancing. She was 93 at the time. Rain, snow, sleet, hail, earthquake, whatever, if she was able, she would be at church. And she would make sure I was there too. She was a master storyteller. Oh, her stories. She told me stories of how she traveled all over when she was in her twenties...how she, a country girl from South Boston, worked in New York City. How she traveled to Maine, how all the pretty girls are in Tennessee and the giant grasshoppers in Kentucky. She traveled all over, but she loved Halifax County. She told me storied about how her and her family survived The Great Depression. How she worked at the tobacco factory for 10 cents an hour. She told me stories about her blind brother, her brother Tom who always got her into trouble, about her mother. Her grandmother who was a slave...She told me about Jim Crow laws and Martin Luther King Jr. and having to sit in the back of restaurant and about the KKK who killed their dog... Before I moved back in 2003, she was so lonely. While I was there, we went to so many funerals. Her friends that were left all passed away. And she was the only one left. Imagine, everyone in your group of friends have passed away, and you are the only one left. I could tell it bothered her, that would bother anyone. Even though she didn't think she needed anyone to take care of her, she told me this once and only once during the 2 years I was there: G.G.: you know Jermaine, I'm glad your here. Then there was the day she gave me a hug and wouldn't let go. She said: G.G.: Jermaine, lets just go. Let's just get in the car and go. Me: Go where? G.G.: Doesn't matter, we will just drive and drive and just go... She was supposed to be at my wedding. I guess she waited as long as she could. She made it quite clear how she felt about me not being married yet. How I should be married by now, how I should have kids by now. She was supposed to live forever. She was supposed to hold Cadence...see that I turned out okay after all. See that although I don't have a degree, that I'm doing well. But no, and I have to go to her funeral in 2 days. And I heard she wasn't in pain at the end, that the last time anyone saw her, she looked like she was in peace and she was relaxed. And I told myself when I moved in 2003, that I would be there with her until the end. It was for her, so school would have to wait, job would have to wait, everything would have to wait. And people told me it was a mistake, to quit school and job. Told me she had lived a full life and I needed to live mine. Told me I was throwing my life away. But no one understood, it was for her. No one has loved me like this woman. Utter, complete, unconditional love she had for me. She was tough as nails on me and I had to leave my self-esteem and feelings at the door. But she always told me the truth, told it like it was. She was tough on me because she loved me and wanted what she felt was best for me. No matter what, G.G. would accept me. She would give me an earful, but she would accept me. No matter what, G.G. loved me. And now she is gone...Always, there was G.G., if I needed a place to stay, someone to talk to, she was there. South Boston became my retreat when things got tight. She lived through the Titanic sinking, 2 World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, The Great Depression, the Civil Rights Movement, Sept. 11, she lived through so much history. I called the house, no one answered. 1st time in ever no one answered. And no one will. But I know she is in Heaven. I used to say that Heaven wasn't ready for her, that is why she lived so long. I guess Heaven got ready. She is probably up there telling Moses to tuck in his shirt and debating theology with C.S. Lewis and telling Rich Mullins he is playing an Fmaj chord wrong. I miss her. God...I always knew, if she passed, I would be beyond devastated. So I tried for years to prepare myself for the eventuality. It didn't work. It is only now that I can write about it. I've been in a daze since it happened. And then there is the funeral...But it's going to be okay. I love you G.G. I will always, always love you. Rest in Peace. Marie Faulkner Lane Jones My great-grandmother My "G.G." December 19, 1910 - April 28, 2007 Current Mood: sad (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 26th, 2007
10:23 pm	Picklefarts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You Should Rule Mars Mars is a planet that shines brightly and loops wildly around the solar system. You are perfect to rule Mars, because you are both energetic and independent. Like Mars, you seems attractive and bright to others - but you're difficult to pin down. You are a great thinker, but you only think in the present and ignore the future. Full of enthusiasm and inspiration, you are into your own thing... and rather insensitive to others. What Planet Should You Rule? (Comment on this)
9:22 pm	Conjunction junction, what's your function? So, truth be told, I am terrified. About tomorrow...and yeah, I could talk to someone about it. But, if I had the strength to talk to someone about it, then I probably wouldn't be scared in the first place. Sure, it could be fine, and it will be with ______, which is slightly reassuring. But...In His letter, He told me: "Do Not Fear" 365 times, once for every day of the year. (they didn't have leap year way back when.) And in the grand scheme of things, it has already happened, the outcome has already been predetermined. I just have to live it. That is what my brain says. My humanity, which exists outside of logic and sensibility, is scared. But I'm not afraid. There is a difference. ___________________________ And I always hate leaving those types of places, my clothes smell like smoke for hours after. It was good seeing them, good seeing the Woman of Honor and her beau. And "ms. thang" showed with "batgirl", ms. thang shallow and fake as ever. Is this an episode of (insert high school t.v. drama of your choice)? No wait, that's right, I live in a little place called Reality. Just south of here. Anyways, I tried, I actually made an effort. I was proud of myself for making an effort, actual signs of maturity. And it was for naught. And I am convinced she is a Golem. Honest to God, walking, breathing Golem. The Woman of Honor, as usual, had words of levity. But I think her beau said it best: "Fuck her! She isn't good enough for Grmaine." She hadn't been on my radar for a long, long time. But I'm proud of myself I made the effort to say hello and what nots. Maybe my punk ass is growing up after all. _______________________________________ Sometimes You hold me so tight You leave an impression Two circles on the skin of my back And when I walk away, I still feel You Holding... _______________________________________ Do I need to Restrict You, like fluid. Will too much of You Kill me? _______________________________________ It's an artificial cold I don't really despise You It's just where I am right now. I'll be back soon, And You'll be there waiting *repeat* Like an 80's sitcom, Hopefully this can be resolved in 22 minutes. Sure, I could talk to You And things could be worked out But really, if I had the ability to talk to You, I probably wouldn't be in this mess. ________________________________________ And I had the world's most awkward conversation ever. But this time, I wasn't the one who felt uncomfortable. I had finished reading my poetry and I was happy, eating my turkey and cheese croissant sandwiches and eating my pasta. He hemmed, he hawed. Long pauses galore. And I stared Right at him, kept the conversation going to see what he would do. And he put his hand out TWICE, and I shook it, TWICE! Tear... ________________________________________ "Do you like strong women?" "Are you kidding, they are the only ones I let ruin my life."- An episode of Scrubs Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
4:54 am	early morning thoughts.... "An individual can not know their truest ability until they are faced with great adversity. ~ Unknown" "It's kind of fun to do the impossible.~ Walt Disney" "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.~ Mark Twain" Twenty years from now, I'll be 50...milestone year...I do not want to look back over my life and be disappointed... "To live with a chronic illness is not a limitation but a special invitation to those of us who are willing to accept the challenge." Shad Ireland, the first dialysis patient to compete in and complete an Ironman Triathlon Current Mood: peaceful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:15 am	And seeing you was not awkward for me, but it was apparently it was, cause you said, "it is awkward to see you." And we talked, as my mouth watered for my impending frosty It was good to see you, actually I haven't seen you since that night at the ________ when HE was there And you should talk to her. You told me you haven't talked to her in over a year.. You should talk to her. She would love to hear from you You were her roommate for 3 years, by God You should call her, you have her number She would love to hear from you Even if you called her, after all this time, she would probably agree to see you That is the type of person she is Look, I know. More than most, I know But you know what, she had to live with YOU for 3 years Maybe that wasn't all sunshine and lollipops for her either. Chances are, you will probably never read this And no, I did not tell her I saw you But you should call her.. Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
9:56 pm	Sometimes, it causes me to tremble... Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Oh . . . Sometimes it causes me to tremble Tremble Tremble Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree? Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree? Oh . . . Sometimes it causes me to tremble Tremble Tremble Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree? Were you there when they pierced Him in the side? Were you there when they pierced Him in the side? Oh . . . Sometimes it causes me to tremble Tremble Tremble Were you there when they pierced Him in the side? Were you there when the sun refused to shine? Were you there when the sun refused to shine? Oh . . . Sometimes it causes me to tremble Tremble Tremble Were you there when the sun refused to shine? Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb? Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb? Oh . . . Sometimes it causes me to tremble Tremble Tremble Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb? Current Mood: pensive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
1:52 pm	Did she just bless her nerves??? So I set off the alarm accidentally this morning, and I didn't know how to turn it off. I just started pressing buttons on the key ring, and finally it stopped. A funny way to start the morning... And it has 17 inch rims...and I was done with my new job at 12:00pm...and I'm going to get paid till 5pm....I'm getting paid right now as I write this at my apartment... wow...and it felt good to drive today...yet...it felt good yesterday when I was walking and when I caught a cab. I was smiling then, I'm really smiling now... Is this what Paul was talking about, to be content in all things? It feels like/looks like a preacher's car. I could totally see my grandfather, the Bishop Morris R. Lane driving the car... and I don't have plans until 11:30pm tonight...what to do with myself??? Maybe I'll drive into Ball Circle and start doing doughnuts....hahahahahahaha Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
10:51 pm	Speechless And I don't have the words...when I woke up this morning, I did not expect to go to sleep with a new car in the parking lot...throughout the day, I planned mentally how I would get from place to place, figuring out the quickest streets to take because I would be walking, figuring out how much in cab fare I needed to set aside for the week... And I walked to the dealership, I had some time to kill before Treatment And I just went to get research, find out what cars they had and at what prices, be as they say, an informed buyer. And...and...and...no pressure, I wasn't hoodwinked or bamboozeled. I stood my ground, told them plainly and up front I was not looking to buy a car today, just there for research...And my credit...was okay? I knew it wasn't perfect, but apparently it is better than I thought it was...and they offered me a price on... standard salesman procedure of cranking up the "system" so I could hear the radio, I promptly turned it off. I can listen to the radio on my own time (but my goodness, it's got a nice sound system). I looked under the hood, took her for a test drive and... The first car they showed me, I really liked it. It was a 2006 Dodge Stratus. It was a cool car. I really liked it, then they said," Mr. Lane, we might be able to put you in this one..." And I saw her...and I was caught off guard. "There is no way, no way I could get THAT car. No way I would qualify or afford it." "And my God shall supply all your need according to HIS RICHES in glory by Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:19 And I took her for a test run, checked her out, (I didn't kick the tires because I don't the purpose of doing so, but the tires looked okay) And I asked for a copy of the Carfax Vehicle History report before I signed anything. You guys should have seen me, I was in full blown business mode. The Carfax report turned out to be good, really good actually. Only 1 previous owner, it was very well taken care of. And they crunched some numbers, and I crunched some numbers, and I scrapped together some change for a down payment and And And And heaven opened up, and God... I've been...quiet since I got the car. Still in shock, very much in awe...and I don't have to catch a cab anymore, I don't have to walk anymore, I don't have to catch rides from all you wonderful people who have offered to/ have given a brotha a ride. (thank you so much) and and and I never would have dreamed that God and God alone would bless me to get THIS CAR. It's almost like....it's too much. But I got an amazing deal, my salesman was really, really cool. I didn't feel like he was pressuring me or trying to rip me off. I was up front with him, he was like "maybe we could get you in a car today" and I was like "nah nah" and he was like "actually, yeah yeah" and and and I've been on the verge of tears for hours now. I sat in treatment and read the entire owner's manual. Since January, I've felt like God has been in a very...peripheral role in my life. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see God, but not right in front of me. Little things here and there, stuff "coincidentally" working out, etc. But no thunder or lightning. When I was in the hospital recently, and all the blood and me coding and all the trauma I went through, my faith became very, very real. I had decided, back in Feb. when I was really sick, that I wasn't going to let go. "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you."- Job. I think I see now what he meant. Life had gotten real, real real. My life was on the line to an extent. Every day seemed more painful physically than the day before. And I had to make some decisions...was this thing just something I enjoyed when I was in college and when times got real tough, I was just going to bail, throw up my hands and give up? Or become angry at God for what He was allowing to happen to me? Or...was I going to praise Him regardless? Was I going to praise Him in the good times, and curse Him in the bad? No...I had to make an actual quality decision I was going to praise Him no matter what. And I'm not saying this to say I'm some super saint or even a saint at all. God knows, I got my issues and quirks. But I told God, I said I was going to hang in their with Him, see this thing called life through and see what happens. and and and I really don't want to preach a sermon. And I really have to go to bed. And I have a new car. and and and wow :-) Current Mood: grateful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 25th, 2007
9:52 am	"Dude, their using your Xbox"... So friday afternoon was a very nice afternoon. Scooped up my comrade in arms and we went...outside. Yes, outside. Heard the birds singing, felt the warm spring breeze blow across my bald head...and we walked across the campus formerly known as Mary Washington. It had been forever since I had been on campus...saw the bell tower up close and personal. Actual tower with actual bells...surreal. The landscape is different. We saw the changes, Eagles Nest, Wash Room (they have a freakin Wii AND a Playstation 3 anybody can use) etc. We walked from one end of campus to the other...and it was so weird for me. There was a time, not too long ago even, where I couldn't go ten feet on campus and not see someone I knew. It would take me 45 minutes to get from one end of campus to the other because I would stop and talk to this person and talk to that person. Friday, I saw no one I knew. Oh my God, I am finally out of the loop...I clung to the loop for as long as possible, longer that what I should have...clung to that vestige of community... Yet somethings remain the same: out of all the people we saw, I saw one other African-American on campus...It is amazing the things that stay the same. Sidenote: And how is it that we were at the BSU for an hour and the only people in and out were guys? And yesterday morning, went and saw "300" again. Went solo this time and guess what? I got carded! Yes, that's right, my 30 year old self got his I.D. checked before I could go see an R rated movie. The lady behind the counter who carded me said I looked young. I don't care who you are, that there is a good feeling. A good feeling indeed. Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 23rd, 2007
2:42 pm	So yesterday's treatment did not go well...they took too much fluid out again and I went into convulsions and severe muscular cramps AGAIN...but not as bad as when I was in the hospital...it took three of them to bring me back to normal... And my legs cramped up all night long...severe, scream out loud kind of cramps...into the wee hours of the morning... And I have to go again tomorrow... One day, I'll brag to my kids...Cadence will say," my daddy is so tough, once his creatin level was a staggering 12.4 and he walked 4 miles to work in the snow" Howard will say, "you think your daddy is tough? My dad freakin had his neck sliced open and a catheter placeed into a vein that connects to his heart, and he did cry or scream or nothin'. AND he was awake for the whole thing. AND he bled out of his neck for an hour and a freakin half! My daddy is as tough as a Spartan!" And since when did my unborn children become my motivation? So what to do tonight...I have the oppourtunity to go to a social event where I will not know anyone and be...social. My father has the uncanny ability to walk into large group of people and by the time he leaves, everyone knows his name...Maybe I'll unleash my inner "karl" and do the same...I've reasoned in my heart that if I go, I will have a good time. Like Genis-Vell reasoned in his heart concerning his son (now that is what you call an obscure reference...$5 cash to the person who knows what I am talking about). Since I have reasoned in my heart I will have a good time, then by default I will. Besides, its for a good cause and it beats my previous plan of sitting alone in the apartment... And the daffodils are starting to come out...yeah...it's a good day... Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
9:05 pm	First and foremost, thank you to everyone for their visits and prayers and phone calls and gifts while I was indisposed at the hospital. I appreciate it very, very much... My creatin level maxed out at 12.4. That was what it was when I was in the hospital last week. But as I started my dialysis treatments, it has gone down. 12.4...that is amazing. It is a miracle I was able to work as much as I was, even to stand up... For those of you keeping score: Creatin levels: Jan 2006- 3.2 June 2006- 5.4 August 2006-6.3 November 2006- 7.6 March 2006- 12.4 I remember back in Jan of last year, doc told me if my creatin got as high as 7 or 8, I would have to start dialysis...it got up to 12.4 before I started... Perhaps it will be my children who think I am a tough guy...Perhaps Howard and Cadence will be the ones who will brag about me: "my daddy is tough, he had a creatin level of 12.4 and was still going to work and wrestling out of control patients. My daddy is the toughest person I know, they took to much fluid off and he left dialysis lightheaded and drove himself to get something to eat and didn't even pass out. He is as tough as a Spartan..." Maybe it will be my kids who will see...maybe I will be the one who will prepare them for glory... Yesterday, my dialysis treatment did not go well...I left on the verge of consciousness...but I was ravenously hungry, but I had to drink something immediately to replenish the fluid that was taken off (too much fluid taken off again). I was left with options....go to a fast food joint, eat and vomit it up because I knew it would make me sick or get home, try and cook something and pass out while I wait for it to cook...vomit or pass out...so I went the fast food route and indeed got sick to my stomach, but at least I stayed conscious. Some days I am happy, some days I am just not. Monday was a good day, yesterday did not end well physically, today...remains to be seen. And I look to the heavens, and I look to the heaven within myself... "though you slay me, yet I will praise you." -Job I get it, I think I understand...God, you are all there is, all I have left. My very breath comes from you...I heard what you whispered to me while I was in the hospital: "You have cared for others, now it is time for you to let others care for you" -God And I don't know how... Current Mood: drained (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
1:52 pm	The Peanut Butter Captain Cruch Incident.. So it's been awhile, and there is much to say. First off, I'm being admitted to the hospital tomorrow. I'll be at Henrico Doctor's Hospital Forest Campus tomorrow through the weekend. I am going to start my dialysis treaments there, and I can only pray that I will feel better than I have. Because all the muscle spasms/cramps, itching, difficulty focusing and concentrating, numbness in my hands, extreme side/lower back pain and now vomitting has to end. Please God let it end... So yeah, I realized that I'm going to be in the hospital by myself, which really sucks. So if anyone wants to visit, we can turn it into a party. (and if you snuck me in a vanilla frosty, I'll love you forever). In other news, I got into a wrestling match with an out of control patient a few days ago. It was just me trying to subdue this dude....not the healthiest thing for me or my fistula, but I had to do what I had to do. So my whole left side is still very sore, esp. my ribs (probably from when we slammed to the ground) So I think I'll have them check that out while i'm in the Hospital. In other news, my car died a horrible death about 3 weeks ago. Transmission. Dude said it would cost $2611 to get it fixed. Needless to say, it's sitting in my parking lot. Not having a car sucks... In other news, I got a new job. In other news, I talked to one of my biological sisters over the phone. It was AWESOME!!! I haven't talked to Alisha since 1994. It was good to catch up and she helped fill in some blanks about our father... Well, I don't know when next I'll write, so I want to thank you all for your continued support, for your comments and e-mails and phone calls. My House of Lane...God bless. Current Mood: nauseated (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 17th, 2007
6:52 pm	I was sure by now... "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns I was sure by now That You would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can't find You As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
5:01 pm	smile Turn up the volume on this one because yeah, that's the good stuff: http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/lightsey/788/senditdown.html Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
1:01 pm	Princes of the Universe Somedays, you just gotta wake up, blast some Queen, and annoy your roommate and upstairs neighbor. How I'm feeling right now can best be described in the following anthem by Queen: "Princes of the Universe" Here we are, born to be kings We're the princes of the universe Here we belong, fighting to survive In a world with the darkest powers, heh And here we are, we're the princes of the universe Here we belong, fighting for survival We've come to be the rulers of you all I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings - yeah - yeah I have no rival, no man can be my equal Take me to the future of you all Born to be kings, princes of the universe Fighting and free Got your world in my hand I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand We were born to be princes of the universe No man could understand My power is in my own hand Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, people talk about you People say you've had your day I'm a man that will go far Fly the moon and reach for the stars With my sword and head held high Got to pass the test first time - yeah I know that people talk about me - I hear it every day But I can prove them wrong 'cos I'm right first time Yeah, yeah, alright, let's go, let's go, ha haa Yeah, watch this man fly, wooh Bring on the girls - c'mon - c'mon - c'mon Here we are - here we are Born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe Here we belong Born to be kings, princes of the universe Fighting and free, got your world in my hand I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand We were born to be princes of the universe Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
10:28 am	Wow... Elderly Hiker Mauled by Mountain Lion By LISA LEFF AP Woman Saves Husband SAN FRANCISCO (Jan. 25) -- Wildlife officials on Thursday credited a woman with saving her husband's life by clubbing a mountain lion that attacked him while the couple were hiking in a California state park. Jim and Nell Hamm, who will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next month, were hiking in Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park when the lion pounced. "He didn't scream. It was a different, horrible plea for help, and I turned around, and by then the cat had wrestled Jim to the ground," Nell Hamm said in an interview from the hospital where her husband was recovering from a torn scalp, puncture wounds and other injuries. After the attack, game wardens closed the park about 320 miles north of San Francisco and released hounds to track the lion. They later shot and killed a pair of lions found near the trail where the attack happened. The carcasses were flown to a state forensics lab to determine if either animal mauled the man. Although the Hamms are experienced hikers, neither had seen a mountain lion before Jim Hamm was mauled, his wife said. Nell Hamm said she grabbed a four-inch-wide log and beat the animal with it, but it would not release its hold on her husband's head. Jim was talking to me all through this, and he said, 'I've got a pen in my pocket and get the pen and jab him in the eye,'" she said. "So I got the pen and tried to put it in his eye, but it didn't want to go in as easy as I thought it would." When the pen bent and became useless, Nell Hamm went back to using the log. The lion eventually let go and, with blood on its snout, stood staring at the woman. She screamed and waved the log until the animal walked away. "She saved his life, there is no doubt about it," said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for the Department of Fish and Game. Nell Hamm, 65, said she was scared to leave her dazed, bleeding husband alone, so the couple walked a quarter-mile to a trail head, where she gathered branches to protect them if more lions came around. They waited until a ranger came by and summoned help. "My concern was to get Jim out of there," she said. "I told him, 'Get up, get up, walk,' and he did." Jim Hamm, 70, was in fair condition Thursday. He had to have his lips stitched back together and underwent surgery for lacerations on his head and body. He told his wife he still wants to make the trip to New Zealand they planned for their anniversary, she said. Nell Hamm warned people never to hike in the backcountry alone. Park rangers told the couple if Jim Hamm had been alone, he probably would not have survived. "We fought harder than we ever have to save his life, and we fought together," she said. [that's what I'm talking about, lady threw down with the beast to save her husband. She didn't run, she stood her ground, stared the beast in the eye, and defended her husband. "words can't say what a love can do. I'll be there for you." Maybe there is hope yet.] Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
10:13 am	Blindsided by Bon Jovi Good God, I did not see this coming.... How I feel at this very moment can be summed up in the following song by Bon Jovi: "I'll Be There For You" I guess this time you're really leaving I heard your suitcase say goodbye And as my broken heart lies bleeding You say true love it's suicide You say you're cried a thousand rivers And now you're swimming for the shore You left me drowning in my tears And you won't save me anymore Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl I'll be there for you These five words I swear to you When you breathe I want to be the air for you I'll be there for you I'd live and I'd die for you Steal the sun from the sky for you Words can't say what a love can do I'll be there for you I know you know we've had some good times Now they have their own hiding place I can promise you tomorrow But I can't buy back yesterday And Baby you know my hands are dirty But I wanted to be your valentine I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby When you get drunk, I'll be the wine I'll be there for you These five words I swear to you When you breathe I want to be the air for you I'll be there for you I'd live and I'd die for you Steal the sun from the sky for you Words can't say what a love can do I'll be there for you [Solo] And I wasn't there when you were happy I wasn't there when you were down I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out I'll be there for you These five words I swear to you When you breathe I want to be the air for you I'll be there for you I'd live and I'd die for you Steal the sun from the sky for you Words can't say what a love can do I'll be there for you effing Bon Jovi! To be continued... Current Mood: surprised (Comment on this)
1:37 am	Grrr..... I think this sums it up best: http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m82/jazzgirl071/th_batman.gif To be honest with you, I feel like the shark... To be continued... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 11th, 2007
1:19 pm	Quarantine So my internet is back up and running. Good, much to say. So today marks the one year anniversary I got sick from my kidneys. One year ago on January 11, it's when life changed. And so what do I do to celebrate? I get Strep Throat. Yes true believers, Streptococcal bacteria have infected my tonsils and my uvula (that little thingy that hangs in the back of your throat) has swollen so large that I can not talk without choking. I woke up this morning coughing and gagging and unable to speak. So instead of just popping some cough drops and sucking it up and try and go to work this afternoon, I actually...wait for it...wait for it...I actually went to the doctor on my own accord. Yes, I'm just as surprised as you are. I used a stack of Post-its to communicate to the Nurse practicioner and sure as sugar, I got Strep Throat. I've never had strep throat before. Nice. So I am on quarantine until tomorrow. I am...highly contagious. And I'm thinking about this, being contagious. Being a carrier of disease....being a harbinger of destruction, a torchbearer of contagion. [evil maniacle grin comes across his face, like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons] Maybe I'll go around and infect people. First the city, then the state, millions shall fall at my disease. Then Earth itself, then the whole galaxy and I shall rule. Mwahahahahaha!!!!! Excuse me, I had an Anakin Skywalker at the end of Episode III moment. This whole...not being able to talk thing is...interesting. Trying to communicate to the nurses and such this morning was actually fun. Give it a try, just stop talking and try and communicate with people. To quote a good movie: "90% of what your saying ain't coming out of your mouth." -Hitch. And my mom called. And my grandmother is in the hospital. She had surgery yesterday in Richmond, it went well. But then the kicker, my great-grandmother, aka G.G. is in the hospital. She is having surgery right now as I write this. Right now. Apparently, she fell yesterday and as the people tried to get her to the ambulance, she fell again. So the doctor's decided to do surgery to place a beam in her hip. And she is 96 years old and is having surgery right now. And these are the same doctors who told her she was to old to have surgery 4 years ago when she fell and I went to take care of her. So I guess since she is four years older, now she can have the surgery? Yeah, doesn't make sense to me either. And she is 96...and she is having surgery. I talked to her, forced myself to make utterance, just in case I wouldn't be able to anymore. She told me she is not doing well. She NEVER admits she is not feeling well. And I'm stuck here in Fredericksburg, I couldn't see her anyway because I got effing Strep Throat. So I get to sit here, be sick, and feel useless. Grrrr.... Current Mood: frustrated (2 Comments |Comment on this)